Silence! Oprah Needs Our Help! (skit)
[SPOKEN; IMITATING OPRAH]
Oprah: Hi, I'm here with Ben Affleck. Now, "Gigli" was a dud,
and so was your engagement to Jennifer Lopez. Is there anything
in your life that doesn't fail?
[UFO SOUNDS; OPERA SCREAMING AS SHE GETS ABDUCTED]
[CROWD SOUNDS: OH MY GOD! WHERE'D SHE GO? ETC.]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on a city street just five blocks away...
BOY #1: Man, today sucked. I hate school. Thankfully we've got
just three more months until we graduate.
GIRL #1: I know. I can't take it. I can't stand ma...
[BEEPING SOUND]
BOY #2: SIlence!
BOY #1: What is it, Ted?
BOY #2: It's the Oprah-larm. Oprah needs our help!
GIRL #1: Who? Oprah Winfrey!
BOY #2: Yes! We are the only people that can save her! Quick, to her studio.
[SOUND THAT SIGNALS TIME IS PASSING]
[IN OPRAH'S STUDIO; COMMOTION]
BOY #1: Excuse me, ma'am. What did you witness?
MA'AM: One moment she was there, the next moment she was gone!
GIRL #1: Sir, what did you see?
SIR: She just disappeared! A light beam took her away!
BOY #2: Ben Affleck, what happened?
BEN: One moment she was bashing my career, the next moment, she got
what she deserved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get on the
set of "Daredevil 2".
[TIME HAS PASSED SOUND AGAIN]
BOY #1: All right, group huddle. Now what did you all find?
GIRL #1: It was like she was sucked away by a bright light!
BOY #1: Yeah, I heard the same thing.
GIRL #1: What about you, Ted?
BOY #2: Well, Mr. Affleck didn't really seem to care that the host was
taken away right before his very eyes. It seems a little fishy to me.
Let's go pay him a little visit on the set of "Daredevil 2".
BOY #1: Oh God, they're making another one?
[GROANS]
[TIME PASSED SOUND]
BEN: All right. Let's try this scene again. From the top! Action!
DAREDEVIL: Looks like I've cleaned the streets again.
VILLAIN: Not so fast! Did you forget about me?
DAREDEVIL: Dr. Villain! My archnemesis!
VILLAIN: Yes, it is I who killed your girlfriend! Now I'll kill you!
DAREDEVIL: Well we'll see about that! I DARE you to challenge me!
BEN: Cut! Excellent! That's a wrap! Now if all goes according to plan
this motion picture will brainwash the world into thinking I'm a good
actor, and everyone will do my bidding for me!
BOY #2: Not so fast, Mr. Affleck!
BEN: Huh...what?
BOY #2: We heard that! We heard it all! What have you done to Oprah?
BEN: Huh?
BOY #1: You heard him! Do we need to beat it out of you?
BEN: I DARE you to challenge me!
[SILENCE; CRICKETS]
GIRL #1: Your lame Hollywood dialogue won't work on us! Where is she?
BEN: I don't know.
BOY #2: Stop lying! Where have you placed her?
BEN: Seriously, I don't know.
BOY #1: Don't lie! I think this is proof you've done something with her!
BEN: What, because I'm trying to take over the world?
BOY #2: Precisely!
BEN: She's a talk show host, and she's...well, let's just say she poses
no threat to my plan.
GIRL #1: What?
BEN: Yeah, aliens took her.
BOY #1: Seriously?
BEN: Yeah. I had nothing to do with it.
GIRL: Really?
BEN: Yeah, I swear.
BOY #1: So, how do we find her?
BEN: Well, contact NASA. She's probably a million miles away by now.
[SILENCE]
BEN: Say, want some cookies?
BOY #1: Yeah, sure. I never liked her much anyway.
BEN: Wanna test out the ability of "Daredevil 2" to brainwash
mainstream audiences? I'll make you honorary chairmembers of the
Affleck fan club!
GIRL #1: All right, no problem. Sounds good.
BEN: Great! I'll let you meet the other members in my fan club room!
[TIME PASSES]
BOY #2: How come we're the only ones in here?
Oprah: Hi, I'm here with Ben Affleck. Now, "Gigli" was a dud,
and so was your engagement to Jennifer Lopez. Is there anything
in your life that doesn't fail?
[UFO SOUNDS; OPERA SCREAMING AS SHE GETS ABDUCTED]
[CROWD SOUNDS: OH MY GOD! WHERE'D SHE GO? ETC.]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on a city street just five blocks away...
BOY #1: Man, today sucked. I hate school. Thankfully we've got
just three more months until we graduate.
GIRL #1: I know. I can't take it. I can't stand ma...
[BEEPING SOUND]
BOY #2: SIlence!
BOY #1: What is it, Ted?
BOY #2: It's the Oprah-larm. Oprah needs our help!
GIRL #1: Who? Oprah Winfrey!
BOY #2: Yes! We are the only people that can save her! Quick, to her studio.
[SOUND THAT SIGNALS TIME IS PASSING]
[IN OPRAH'S STUDIO; COMMOTION]
BOY #1: Excuse me, ma'am. What did you witness?
MA'AM: One moment she was there, the next moment she was gone!
GIRL #1: Sir, what did you see?
SIR: She just disappeared! A light beam took her away!
BOY #2: Ben Affleck, what happened?
BEN: One moment she was bashing my career, the next moment, she got
what she deserved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get on the
set of "Daredevil 2".
[TIME HAS PASSED SOUND AGAIN]
BOY #1: All right, group huddle. Now what did you all find?
GIRL #1: It was like she was sucked away by a bright light!
BOY #1: Yeah, I heard the same thing.
GIRL #1: What about you, Ted?
BOY #2: Well, Mr. Affleck didn't really seem to care that the host was
taken away right before his very eyes. It seems a little fishy to me.
Let's go pay him a little visit on the set of "Daredevil 2".
BOY #1: Oh God, they're making another one?
[GROANS]
[TIME PASSED SOUND]
BEN: All right. Let's try this scene again. From the top! Action!
DAREDEVIL: Looks like I've cleaned the streets again.
VILLAIN: Not so fast! Did you forget about me?
DAREDEVIL: Dr. Villain! My archnemesis!
VILLAIN: Yes, it is I who killed your girlfriend! Now I'll kill you!
DAREDEVIL: Well we'll see about that! I DARE you to challenge me!
BEN: Cut! Excellent! That's a wrap! Now if all goes according to plan
this motion picture will brainwash the world into thinking I'm a good
actor, and everyone will do my bidding for me!
BOY #2: Not so fast, Mr. Affleck!
BEN: Huh...what?
BOY #2: We heard that! We heard it all! What have you done to Oprah?
BEN: Huh?
BOY #1: You heard him! Do we need to beat it out of you?
BEN: I DARE you to challenge me!
[SILENCE; CRICKETS]
GIRL #1: Your lame Hollywood dialogue won't work on us! Where is she?
BEN: I don't know.
BOY #2: Stop lying! Where have you placed her?
BEN: Seriously, I don't know.
BOY #1: Don't lie! I think this is proof you've done something with her!
BEN: What, because I'm trying to take over the world?
BOY #2: Precisely!
BEN: She's a talk show host, and she's...well, let's just say she poses
no threat to my plan.
GIRL #1: What?
BEN: Yeah, aliens took her.
BOY #1: Seriously?
BEN: Yeah. I had nothing to do with it.
GIRL: Really?
BEN: Yeah, I swear.
BOY #1: So, how do we find her?
BEN: Well, contact NASA. She's probably a million miles away by now.
[SILENCE]
BEN: Say, want some cookies?
BOY #1: Yeah, sure. I never liked her much anyway.
BEN: Wanna test out the ability of "Daredevil 2" to brainwash
mainstream audiences? I'll make you honorary chairmembers of the
Affleck fan club!
GIRL #1: All right, no problem. Sounds good.
BEN: Great! I'll let you meet the other members in my fan club room!
[TIME PASSES]
BOY #2: How come we're the only ones in here?