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  • 2005 Releases
    • Cold as Ice
    • Bingo Patties and Mango Machines
    • Burt Reynold's Facial Hair Samples
    • Go For It?
    • Steven Seagull, Richard Gecko, Dean Crane, and Russell Crow
    • Self-Titled
    • Mancold Eatery: Come Grab a Bite!
  • 2006 Releases
    • Share Moments, Share Bookmobile
    • Light Up Shoes--Play It!
    • Libra Metal of Honors: Conspiracy Volume 1
    • Love Gestures in Chloroform Juice
    • Farewell, My Mujical Beef
    • New Line Cinnamon Presents...
  • 2008+ Releases
    • Hard Granite: The Extra Perrestrial (2008)
    • 3 Faces of July (2009)
    • The Induction of Levi's Dining Doves (2009)
    • LOL w/;) (2010)
    • Bodies Found in Sector 7 (2011)
  • Compilations/Misc.
    • Freezerburn: The Best of ColdmaN2005 (2005)
    • Total Trash Cans: The Worst of ColdmaN5's Inaugural Sessions (2005)
    • Tom Salad Picks the Winners: The Best of ColdmaN5 - 2006 Edition (2006)
    • Total Toiletries: The Worst of ColdmaN5 in 2006 (2006)
    • Wedgewood Academy (2007)
    • Failure is an Option (2009)
  • Pictures
  • Social

Bagel for Mercy

Trapped and tied up in the toaster oven
I can’t see too much - until the powdered
Jelly donut approaches and starts asking questions

He said sesame seed bun, what have you done
You’ve sabotaged the croissants, donut men and loafs!
I admitted that I spread a thin layer of my butter stash
On a few bagels, but, that was it.
He knew I was lying
And then mister pumperknickel himself entered the toaster

He said sesame seed bun
I’ve had three
Count them three!
Biscuits burned to a crisp in the past nine yeast years
Your seeds have been reported on every crime scene
Now you better start talking

I said mister pumperknickel
In my days I’ve seen so many donuts and coffee cakes burned or bleed jelly
But that doesn’t make me the Margerine here
Pumperknickel called in his two English muffin gaurds from outside
They came in with steel rods in their hands
Pumperknickel told them to start picking me seeds off
One bun at a time!
He said now sesame seed bun
You better start to bagel for mercy
Before I report your cornbreads to the hot dog buns in the big house
And with that the two cornbreads began jabbing me with their rods
Strawberry jam began to leak from my loaf
I said, alright! You have my attention, what do you want?!

Mr. Pumperknickel called off his muffins and pulled up a chair
He said tell me where the garlic bread came from, and how many there were.
I said 14
He said that was a trick question sesame seed bun
There are 14 slices in a loaf
So that doesn’t make any sense.
I said, no, that doesn’t make any sense
Then he got pissed off and stood up
He shouted, Bagel for mercy sesame seed bun!
I said I stand by my word
I would lie to a fellow end piece of the loaf
Which no one likes anyway
He said, so let it be
And with that the two English muffins tucked me away
Under the coils of the toaster
Making sure I would burn every time and I would never get out

Now I lay here
Burned and smeared
Ethnicity Anoctafield is inevitable
For the impossible entity which is
Marsupials
Remember that phrase next time you're smeared with garlic bread butter
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